Waiting for the eastern Wind

The war sung a hopeless cry, drums beat a hollow wind.  Our men never meant to sigh. Fought their war like a thousand year rhyme.  The fleets of ships floated on the giant sea, rocking by the calm slight waves, waiting to be sunk into sea. The heavens guard its eye, bright morning to the late cold nights. White doves dominate the skies, a sign of many lives to die. The numbers struck awe by the horizon, everything was prepared, all planned out. Just waiting for the eastern wind to make it all happen. ...

Busy times.

Times are busy, more and more i feel as if i am the one blocking out the sun. Day by day, i see the dates being canceled, realizing the urge and need of studying for the upcoming exams, somehow i seem to have to be reminded over and over. After-all, maybe, deliberately, i tend to pile that need deep in the back of my head. Always finding excuses even the lamest just to get out of my room. Its a curse, laziness always comes stronger than ever during exam periods, when times are short at hand. 

I spent my recent days, hours and minutes and of course seconds missing a certain someone; so badly i think i might faint if any meetings were to be cancelled. Life is so quiet for me these days, my classmates hardly even notice me anymore. Its like im finally being invisible in class not to mention school. Im being so quiet, maybe too quiet that it just doesn't seem me anymore. But then again, what IS the real me? I've been wearing my mask for far too long; im certain im definitely happier now. Looking at that face, that smile, that twinkle in the eyes made my heart leapt a hundred miles. Im changing for you; for the better. Staring at the word-filled pages on my text, notes and all. Not any seems to be getting into my head, or at least im absorbing them. For moments, i thought to myself, wouldn't it be easier if we were staying together? Ya i know.....

Picture that sings.

Waiting

The atmosphere being seemingly dense, i took a towel and starting swiping around. Mosquitoes fell dead long before, now the battle is against something far worse; quicker for that matter. My eyes took cautious analysis around the kitchen area, awaiting for the fast dark creature to make its move; pacifism doesn't work here. Many times i've sat here waiting for something, at times waiting for things i have absolutely no idea about. Empty, the sound of refrigerator clicking from time to time, staring at the screen; waiting. 'Come Away With Me' playing on my itunes, Im set for a jazzy mood fit for the late nights. Romantic, sunset ideas invaded my nervous system, or rather, the music is striking me a sense of emptiness; somethings missing yet 'Im still waiting.'

The dog sleeping by my feet, im typing what it seems to be nothing but yet again utter nonsense that speaks relief or a sense of accomplishments to my guts. I needed something to do, all well, im here to blog. My heart is pumping rather slowly, nerves sending signals to my body telling it to slow down and dance with ALL THAT JAZZ. "Ahhhhhh..... im feeling lazy...." All that high keys on that piano tingled cheesy onsets onto my spine. Let that music take control. "Issit because of me?" he asked. Don't be silly, its Norah Jones with her voice and Stevie Ray with his guitar, all that slow feel for a Jazzy blues night......  

 

Heads or tails...

Heads or tails, i absolutely lost it... it hurts real bad, but because i still don't know what's going on. It really hurts... 

Your Still Not Talking

Your Still Not Talking

(verse 1)

What is wrong,

I keep listening to this song,

By the desk,

Waiting to end this test,

Late at night,

Can hardly make out the light.

Everything's fine

Yet i just can't help but to cry.

(verse 2)

Don't understand,

Where am i suppose to stand

So many,

The questions stuck on like candy

Can we stop?

How long are we gonna hop?

(chorus)

Your still not talking,

I wanna hear your voice,

tell me that its allright,

tell me that your fine,

Your still not talking,

At least tell me why,

I cant stop thinking baby,

Im still waiting for you,

Oh..your still not..

still not talking

(bridge)

Wishing star,

i laid under the stars.

Thinking what's it like to be on mars.

Will it be fine?

Is everything allright?

Im still waiting 

Im still waiting

Copyright(c) Songy 2008

Filled with whys....

Question marks seemed very sexy somehow. The curve that made its smooth slick shape. Its whole shape spoke of confusion, things we do not know. Yes, and Im having lots of them right now. Noodles cooking by the stove, the aroma slowly floated into my nostril, reminding me again and yet again, Im hungry. Awfully hungry. Hungry for answers or questions? I don't know.  My heart aches, there's a civil war going on within my body; those white blood cells against the red. Blood-cism.

Tears collecting slowly as it falls, lining down my cheeks. After-all, Im a certified Emo-cist. What's going on? Instead of hunting flies today for a round two, i hunted air molecules. Such fun, now going for a sci-fi action hit. Yet a sad one i think, the ending leaves audiences with never ending questions, and unsatisfaction. Chopped down some dead bamboo, and began making kendo sticks,  the breeze that took the dust after every swipe made a very dramatic effect. I was somebody else. Again, a few more strikes killed the bamboo, it snapped.... walked home under the sun today, well it was cloudy. Not to mention windy. The cool breeze brushed across my skin, caressed my hair, made my loose Tee danced; i felt like a star for a moment.  Yet another day, here i am sitting at the same spot thinking of times that seemed so fun or carefree not less than just 10 minutes ago. Before, the moods came in.... 

PS : You still not talking; why?

Spots

Thought my blog should have spots for a change. Been presenting my words in its old plain form for some time. The campus of time and records called me the other day, informing me of my recent mishap and amnesia of certain parts of my memory. Nothings boiling on the stove this time, yet I'm still here racing with time, or rather letting time slip by.  Words failed me, the hours ditched me; it wasn't after recent happenings that i summarized myself as being lost yet again.

Those peculiar moments in school, in which i hated so much for unknown reasons. Im stressing over things that may just as well non existence, unimportant. I love walking home these days, under the hot afternoon sun, letting its light slowly cook and bathe my skin with heat; Im not tanned, not one bit.  Like a sandwich, that looks rather not tanned yet cooked. Yes, Im cooked, awfully over-cooked. Time ticks and Im dreaming through as it worked. I rolled up a set of newspaper and started hunting flies that invaded my house. All that swoosh buckling action, almost too fit for a hollywood movie. The potential energy generated from the source of murderous intent made me triumph in my battle against the flies, but i have a feeling a round two is near. Somewhere over the rainbow, i sense a disturbance in the force.  

Pen and paper on my black desk gave me inspiration as i continue to imagine countless angles i could take if i had an awesome camera. Im crazy, Im crazy, Im crazy. But i love being crazy, having the feeling of absolute liberty and working towards an ideal dreams of an anarchist. 

Its the only thing i have that proved and reassured me i am nevertheless upmost different from the others or maybe perhaps the rest of the world. I know i don't want to be like them; i hate humans.

"If only something would deprive them of their selfishness; I have visions and dream of watching the world burn....." 

Pathetic Once Twice and Your OUT!!

The slight sizzling of soon to boil water in the pot upon the gas stove. By the comp trying to relive the moments in which i thought were once fun maybe better. "im hungry im hungry im hungry" Even my stomach's and thoughts aren't giving me any mercy. Food never seem enough these days, or rather im not eating much. Dog peed on the carpet. curtain, the floor. Mosquitoes feeding like little vampires, things are getting all complicated again...

LIfe in KL

Days that fly and dance like Rain

Water dripping from the pipes, the sound gave head a little twitch. The happenings of day made my head turn in may. I just love the way people live and talk. For some that loves and fell in love, their lives as sweet as honey with filled surprises. Sitting by the comp, the light from the screen reminds me yet blinded me a little of the numbness in life. Im numb afterall, maybe my dream is to be an anarchist.  Live a life bound to no rules, a life of total freedom...

I don't know, my hands are tied...

Seriously, sometimes i just try to take things easy. Smiling my way through things but still, things are just hard sometimes. This will be the first time, i write something about my life thats really private. Well guys, if your reading this, i would really appreciate that you could just read this over with a smile; and then forget about it.

Sometimes i just wish that i was born in a rather more simple family. Having a brother whose a bit special changed things a lot. Seriously, a brother whose really dependent on people; Im really really pressured sometimes. After-all, Im the eldest and it is my responsibility to take care of him. Not just for now, but in the future as well, throughout his life. His different from other kids, he may not be normal compared to others but his heart is just the same. I know his struggling a lot, but somehow he has shaped our family in many ways. I feel so tied up somehow, not to say Im selfish but sometimes i just feel like breaking down. Yet from time to time, i just wish he or i didn't exist. As you all may know, i have a very very bad temper, although its not easy for me to lose it but i just feel like i don't know, i can't say it.  why? Why can't i have a normal brother? Things are really difficult, there are so many things i can't share with people, since i was brought up in an environment where things are meant to be kept only to oneself. I have no choice. 

A roller coaster ride, i faced tremendous dramatic ups and downs. But Im still standing, I just don't know what Im feeling anymore. On one hand, my mum wants me to follow my dreams, but somehow i know i can't; cause i have my bro to take care of; my dreams requires me to travel a lot, touching a lot of people; possibly not much pay at all. I don't know, theres so many things i wana do, but when i thought of reality, BAM!! I just got a big tight slap in my face; i need to find something stable to do; not forgetting that i have a bro. 

I really hate the fact that i have a rather un-simple life, but sometimes.... haiz.  I love my family alot, really. Just that sometimes i need to let out what's inside my heart. My bro did his usual routine just now, lost my temper. haiz.... really im lost i don't know..... theres alot of things i don't know....haiz damn 

What's it like?

Im confused. Like water mixed with coke. The feelings gassy yet diluted. You can feel the bubbles burning your tongue yet it feels cool and wet at the same time. I've never done this kinda thing before, but is it right? Maybe things should have stayed unstated in the first place. I can't possibly describe this feeling, words failed me for the first time in my life yesterday. There is this overwhelming selfishness but somehow i know Im sober enough to know that. What is right? I know the answer but Im refusing to admit....And i really wonder what's it like if i really....nah nevermind....

PS

I seriously don't know

Late late night

My eyes are watering, its late now. 3:24 am in the morning, got an early day tomorrow yet im watching some dvd "all about TVXQ". Have to admit, really cute though. Oh ya, what was it that i wanted to write about again? Gosh, i can't remember. Well come to think of it,  i can't seem to remember things well lately. Why? I wish i knew. Im neither depressed nor sad. 

Really had fun today, went around the neighborhood under the bright afternoon sun after meeting. Speaking of which, i found some really awesome plot for the upcoming videos. 3 in total. Can't wait to shoot them. Oh ya, was speaking of walking around my neighborhood under the bright afternoon sun. Relived some moments, lifeless yet awesome lol.

I have a dance workshop tomorrow. Though im abit worried. Been a while since i last danced after that back injury. Although im back into dancing, i don't feel as active as last time. Its like i've started dancing all over again, from scratch. Hmm, somehow i feel rather pressured. Its like i lost my confidence every bit of it. ...

A city that never sleeps

I opened my eyes and as it slowly adjusted to the pure darkness, i could hear the steady ticking of the clock laying somewhere around me. The atmosphere felt still, in a room with no windows or doors nor even the slightest crack or gap on the wall that could have lighten up the room even just a little, granting hints to perhaps maybe a reason as to why i'm in a room filled with nothing but darkness; fear was closing in on me.

I tried to recall, though shutting my eyelids made no difference at this point; i wasn't sure whether they were shut or opened. Nothing came to my mind, it was blank though accompanied by slight pricking pain that felt like needles tickling at the back of my skull. 

*inspiration lost, to be continued......

Colorblind

Staring blankly at the screen hoping someone would P.M me wasn't what i was doing today, instead i was staring straight into space. The cooling atmosphere supposingly  from the weather these days re-assured me that i was still alive; still being able to feel that cooling breeze brushing across my face as lightning and thunder struck above. I have to face it, i was being emo, and still am. Almost all those that i talked to today, were all having issues of their own. My resentment encouraged my already emo mood even more; darkening. Taking a sip of my already cooled tea, i thought to myself; "what do i want?"  

Like the movement of waves, my feelings and confidence are always facing their ups and downs. I wana walk under the bright morning sun; traveling around my neighborhood and maybe i can find answers to the questions i don't even know. Finding myself lost at sea, not even certain of my own existence is the worst feeling ever. Im lost, but am I really lost? Cause, Im not even sure if i myself exist; if i don't exist, i cant be lost cause there won't be me to get lost.

1. Do you wish to get married?
Nope
2. What is your favourite animal?
Bird?
3. Who is the person you trust the most?
Myself
4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
No, its not stable
5. If you have a dream to come true, what would it be?
The world to end
6. Are you satisfied with yourself?
Not really
7. What are you afraid to lose the most?
Lose? I have nothing to lose
8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Nope, nothings permanent 
9. Have you broken someone's heart that he tried to commit suicide?
I don't think anyone would be that stupid to die for me XD
10. What do you like about yourself?
My thoughts
11. What are the requirements that you wish from the other half?
Understanding and mature
12. What feeling do you hate the most?
i try not to have feelings
13. Do you cherish every friendship of yours?
Yes but some are force to be broken
14. Do you treasure your family?
Yes
15. What do you dislike the most?
People
16. Who do you hope to be always there for you?
I dont need it
17. What do you regret most in life?
being alive
18. What kind of friends do you hope to be in your friend's eye?
Someone whose there but not there. There when u need them.
19. what's your favourite food?
Loads
20. Which date you like the most?
365.25 days a year, they are all the same.

I don't know

Was i disturbing, 

or was i being too stupid?

I still don't get it,

Why can't you just tell me why?

Things feel opposite;

Or maybe its just me,

What is going on? 

Was it things thats different

Or was it i?

I don't know;

I don't know,

Many times i just tried to get close,

but always ended up further,

And stranded with more whys.

Must i really say something?

Or should i just keep quiet? 

I seriously don't know. 

Im tired of sucking up,

Should i start standing up?

Im full of myself?

Ya i fooled myself, 

The truth is, 

I don't even have half myself.

I don't know,

I don't know.

I guess, one can never stay

For ones who left.

i seriously, seriously

don't know.....

A] People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
B] Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

Here are my answers:
#1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be ?
Its not really betrayed, just that its over. 

#2. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be ?

I don't really have anything that i want;

#3. What will your dream wedding be like ?
wedding? hmmph, im not planning to get married.

#4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you ?
Not really, life can be quite simple if u can just break it down.

#5. What's your ideal lover like ?
Ideal lover? Seems impossible to find one for me.

#6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone ?
i think its about the same, loving someone is painful, so is being loved.

#7. How long do you intend to wait for someone u really love ?
Wait? loving someone doesnt mean you have to get them i guess thats how long.

#8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do ?
I cant do much, cause loving sumone doesnt mean you have to get them, all u want is for 

that person to be happy. thats all.

#9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days ?
Haha, funny question, if theres happiness theres surely unhappiness. Theres always a 

balance in things.

#10. What do you want most in life ?
What i want? Someone true?

#11. Is being tagged fun ?
i don't know. Maybe

#12. How do you see yourself in ten years time ?
Travelling here and there, entertaining people.

#13. Who is the current most important person to you ?
no-one.

#14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is ?
Great

#15. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor ?
Single

#16. If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be ?
a bird; free in the sky with no worries.

#17. What are one of those things which you would prefer not to do ?
Live a life;

#18. What kind of person do u think u are ?
crazy

#19. What do you define as a bad day ?
Evryday can be a bad day, depends on how u look at it. tats all

#20. If you have to choose between love (as in boy-girl relationships) and friendship, what would it be ?
Friendship

Emo- highness

All that merciless proposal writing are finally at and end. From here on proposal's would be history. No more sleepless nights worrying about not being able to complete proposals and documents all so for the sake of this world. Its the end.

Many times in life, have i not constantly wandered upon the face of silence; silence that brought coldness and emptiness. Walking upon the stairs of destiny, not knowing where one is going; up or down? Only the sisters of fate would know. Many believe destiny to be in thy hands; yet always played in the end. Was destiny in thy hands or were thy in Destiny's? Many have come to reason with life; the all so many things it brought upon; cratering with the hammer of all so called "Justice". Was justice meant to be given in place of judgement? Yet the question is not within thee. Ones who looked upon life in solitude receives more in reasons of thoughts; ones that proved of nothing but theories and mere rubbish. "Thou shall wait for Judgement" But who shall Judgement wait? 

Was it not meant for i to find thee? Long has i climbed this stairs of wait, when will it ever end or tell i where its headed. "The eagerness at heart brought silence and coldness thus the emo-highness....."